December 2008 Archives

While in “living in a perfect world” has been dealing with the passing of a parental figure —absent and abusive though he was— the other parental type figures in life have been showing signs of rapid aging and health issues. Discussing this less than perfect situation and the probability that dealing with funerals or at the very least hospitals is in the near future with someone, prompted Lark Lennox to submit this post to Livinginaperfectworld.com

A friend wrote that he was thinking of me and apologized because it wasn’t flowers or jewelry.

Sympathy Bouquet — 1800flowers.com

This is my response.

It’s funny about the flowers and jewelry thing. Part of me still has romantic notions about stuff like that, but, truly, I already have some nice jewelry—courtesy of my mother.

My father rarely gave her jewelry, but when he did, it was exquisite—not metal and stones, but art.

I wear a locket that my father gave to my mother early in their marriage. I regret never asking what the occasion was, but when I look at family photos, she’s wearing it early on in their marriage. In her final years, she wore it almost constantly, even if she was wearing another necklace. (I hope this doesn’t sound “fancy-shmancy”. We were definitely NOT nouveau riche or any kind of riche!)

The locket contained a picture of my father.

In early 2002, shortly after my husband and I separated, my father had a “cerebral event” that left him in very bad condition. I was a mess because of the marital problems; I couldn’t eat or sleep. Going back and forth to DC and seeing my parents in such sad shape added to my angst.

At some point, my mother took off the locket and put it on me. Not to “give” but to “lend” it to me to give me strength. I added a tiny picture of my mother to the other side of the locket. I liked having my parents together like that.

Over the next few years, the locket went back and forth between us. When she got sick, I insisted that she keep the locket. Finally, of course, the locket came back to me. On the day of my mother’s funeral, just before the service began, I realized that she should have it one more time, so I laid the locket on the casket.
(Things like that are probably very inappropriate for Jews, but, as my sister-in-law said, “She’s your mother. You can do anything you want.”) Janet took a picture of me, with the casket in the background (also a no-no, you can be sure), but I am comforted by the whole thing.

How can any gift of jewelry even try to compete with that? (Though I would love for my heart to be so thoroughly taken by someone that even a Cracker Jax trinket could trump it.)

So the only gift I really want is time—time with my loved ones, time in good health, time to gather more people to my heart.

Lark Lennox

My deepest thanks and appreciation to Lark Lennox for the thoughtful commentary. Living in a Perfect World

Why is it that we are so interested in the death of others until it hits close to home? It’s suddenly the sight of our mortality that makes people wonder about the meaning of life. Suddenly certain things like the topics generally covered here seem so less important but perhaps at that particular time it’s because the brain is trying to wrap around the loss of someone— even if they weren’t close— and the body has to adjust physically, chemically, emotionally to that absence.

New Orleans Cemetary, photo by Donna H.

My father died on Dec 6, 2008 and he has spent the entire year dying. Struck by a heart attack that left him severely brain damaged, he’s been on a respirator since January with a feeding tube in his stomach. Though we were not close for many years— more based on his actions or lack of actions— I felt the need to have a mental picture of him that was more pleasant than the last one I had of him from 8 years ago when I saw him at a funeral for another family member. Today I go to celebrate his life, mourn his passing and actually feel relief that he has died from a life in the past year that he didn’t want with visits to the ICU every month because of internal bleeding or pneumonia, coming closer each time to the end but still managing to come back.

While we all think we are living forever, we know that’s not the case. Time passes by and those lines we try to erase via Botox or peels or skincare don’t erase the actual time that is marching on in our bodies. The body and human brain knows it— and while we think we can hold back the sweep of the hands of the clock, it’s the reality that it’s merely the appearance of that and that time will and does go on.

As one who has come very close to death twice, I appreciate those fluffy things that I write about as a breath of fresh air yet the import of the economy, job losses, and events in Mumbai and other places keep reminding me that life is not a straight line but a zig-zag of plusses and minuses that remind of the value of what we have. You can’t have the joy without the sorrow.

Particularly at this time of year, when various religions celebrate major holidays, it seems that the death of a family member or friend bites a little deeper— putting a meaning that tears a bit more into your psyche and heart.

While I never quite had the father that I wanted or needed (and if you did, I am very happy for you), I came to terms with it a long time ago. Though the hurts I have experienced haven’t been fun, they taught me the meaning of creating my own family— which includes friends far and near— and those online are just as meaningful because at some moments you need to reach out and they are there.

As parents age and seem to wither away, as friends who have desperate illnesses seem to shrivel up before our eyes, it’s time to realize that we should be appreciating the lives and time with those who are important in our lives. If relationships need mending, be the first to reach out and build that bridge. It will make you feel better.

While I deal with the funeral today, it makes me realize that there is so much I have to be thankful for but also so much more to live for as well. I need to be there for myself as much as I do others. I thank God that my uncle is such a fine man to manage everything he has for several years but particularly this last year seeing his last brother dying by inches in front of his eyes and dealing with it weekly and often daily. While I saw my father and did other things to help keep the wheels oiled, even just by talking to my uncle, it was he who bore the brunt of taking care of my dad.

While my father no longer is in pain, the rest of us get to deal with the aftermath and realize that we are freed too from dealing with someone who didn’t understand quite how to love those closest to him but that they still were there. For me, it’s a less than perfect world. My perfect solution would have been to have him slip peacefully into death in 3-4 months past the incident and the entire estate/situation would be done and buried by now (pun intended).. That’s not how life goes and unfortunately it’s a sad thing to deal with when faced with holiday shopping and it sucks the very life from me as I dealt and continue to deal with things for an entire year.

Take this time at the holidays and look for what’s happening in your life— it’s meaningful and important. Thank you to all of you out there — my friends, my surrogate family— who have learned of my pain, my loss and been there to listen to me or just offered. It’s really very much appreciated.

Happy Holidays. LPW.