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Shifting Tides

I am driven to the edge by feelings of anger and lust which consume me. Filled with shame and guilt, betrayed by a future that may only come to pass as a product of madness. Should such a price be paid that freedom of mind can only be gained by complete and utter denial of that which lies dormant within myself,--that which is innate and vital to the very core of my existence?

Am I to believe that all I have ever felt must be discarded and forgotten?
Where is the honor in that?
What is the truth?
By whose laws do I persist in the world and whose will is it that my unchosen path seems to resist?
If all that is real can only be manifest at the total dissolution of myself then am I insane not to long for some solemn gesture of retreat back into the dream? Should I not loathe my awakening?

Is that not the paradox which faces every man seeking answers in the waning hours of the night? Once awakened to the light, you can never again escape into the twilight like the shadows of the early morning occurring just before the sun is born into the day.

To fight what 'is' no longer presents itself as a choice. The rules that governed your progress have been destroyed. You fate is no longer written in the stars. You are free!
Lifting your head up and moving forward is all that remains. Yesterday is gone and you must realize that the keys to tomorrow can only be acquired before the setting of our most local star. Who is it that has lost his way?
Who is it that is crossing the threshold and now sees his path?

Is denying the self for the benefit of the many really all that different from denying the many for the benefit of the self? At the climax of all things, was there truly ever any difference at all?

Our minds foolishly stricken with duality, our perception is flawed. Consciousness could not perceive itself and so we are divided. So, here we are at last. Why?
There is nothing...
But I still don't understand. Don't worry, we weren't meant to understand.
Just be as you are and follow the shifting tides of you mind.

Jeheshua

What's your "perfect world"?
LPW

Between the Lines

Over the years I have learned to express myself through my writing and I like to think of myself as good. However, this ability is not something which can be turned on at will. It is beyond me in a sense. When my pen touches paper, something happens which is not wholly of myself, but which is not all together different. What happens is a thing of beauty, a gift, and a total surprise. It is something that exists in absence of my control, and until now, I have never made an attempt to explain it.

You see, I, myself, understand what is going on in the subtext of this story. After all, who better to arrange a director's cut than the director? However, to make you understand will take some work. So please consider this to be an attempt to that end and have some level of understanding for I am new to this branch of writer's scope (introspection).
Words do not just form out of thin air, despite the use of my tools, pen and paper, I do not claim to have molded them in the same way that a sculptor molds a piece of clay into a statue.

What happens is something closer to that of a duet or a collaboration of sorts. To the majority of the world the only possible truth of story composition (or composition in general) is that I, the author, have created, out of my own mind, an original and totally self oriented piece of writing, but nothing could be further from the truth. True, I did not copy someone else's word in order to pass them off as my own. However, I wouldn't describe my writing as creating. A musician doesn't create music. In reality, the music already exists. All he does is rearrange the notes to exist in harmony with one another. My gift is the same. My pen and paper are instruments, the forum of language is the scale of notes and my finished essays, poems, et cetera are songs. They are songs of the mind.

Which brings us to another question. If I did not create these songs , then whose mind did?

My answer is very simple.........."You did" . Sounds crazy, right? Do you know why that sounds crazy? I sounds because your thought matrix cannot process it in the same context that I am explaining it. In your linear brain construct things are self-sustaining and separate. Time seems to move in a straight line, but in reality things are more complex.

What's your "perfect world"?
LPW

Manipulation -- part 2

Many people steal, rob, and manipulate to get by. That is just the nature of prison. We are just victims of our environment. To most people who live outside, we deserve everything we get because " let's face it, we are criminals". . I mean we are different aren't we? Then again, maybe we are all the same.

Aren't our prisons just a reflection of our society's biggest flaws ? In reality, a chin is only as strong as its' weakest link . The problem isn't truly crime and criminals. The real problem is the necessities and traits that create crime and criminals. The real problem is poverty. We can't just lock everyone up and hope they are rehabilitating themselves. We have to help them. We have to realize that prisoners are no different than citizens. We all lie, manipulate and steal to a certain degree. If your survival depended on how well you could manipulate another human being, you would become very good at it.

People sell drugs to feed their families. In return, addicts lie, cheat and steal to feed their addiction. These problems no longer belong to criminals alone. They belong to us all as one nation as one world. Our culture is falling apart because we have become so selfish and insecure that we would build our lives on the failures of others. . We take advantage of each other. I am a criminal, but the guy on Wall Street who just embezzled 2 billion dollars is a hero. We hurt each other everyday and our children see us do it. What do you think they will do when given the chance.

As a nation, we can fix this, but we need to stop looking at what everyone else is doing wrong and start looking in the mirror. I have accepted responsibility for my actions and I am doing my best to steer my ever-changing life in a better direction.

What about you?

Jeheshua.

What's your "perfect world"?
LPW

Manipulation

When I was housed at a major institution, I thought that I had seen it all, I thought that I had encountered every dirty, underhanded trick, ever crooked angle and heard every possible lie in existence, but I was wrong, Now, here at a road-camp for low security level prisoners, I must endure more. So very different in appearance, this place is still so very much the same.

Everything about this place differs but only on the surface. When it comes right down to it ,most people that I have met are all right , but there are those who play games. They will try to befriend you--not because they think you are funny or because you have things in common, but because they are in need of your help (so to speak). They are either broke, scared or they believe that they can manipulate you into making their situation better.

There are a few different approaches. Let's start at the top. One way is to lend you something when you first arrive so that when they ask for your assistance later on, you will feel obligated. Another way is the old "poor me" scam. (This is the one that is the hardest to spot if done correctly). They have soup, but if they only had crackers or if they have soup and crackers, but if only they had some cheese. Then they have soup, crackers and cheese but if only they had a soda. The good ones never actually ask for anything. They just subtly imply and because of your pity, you give what you can.

There are many different ways to use another human being but in the end, the result is always the same. The people who do these things are actors (very good ones at that)They are your friends and associates up until the moment that you find out the truth and for many it is too late. After all, this is a prison and there is not much room for mistakes.

Jeheshua

What's your "perfect world"?
LPW

Enlightenment

"What is real? What is dreamt? And what, my friends, is the difference? "

When I was growing up, the passing moments of my life seemed so trivial. They seemed to be so unimportant and as a result I never paid much attention to the changes that I imposed upon the world around me-- the world that sustained me. The world that I would one day help destroy.

Now with my world so utterly reased from existence by my own hand, I am force to live in someone else's world. I am force to live someone else's lies. I am force to follow someone else's rules and there is no one to blame for this current state of affairs except myself.

So with all of this established, I guess the only remaining question would be , "what now?" Do I rebel or do I make the best of what I have? I struggle to ask myself that question everyday. I struggle to ask it so that I will never forget what is at stake. Things like my sanity, my freedom, and my true place in this jigsaw puzzle called life.

I have realized that I can no longer live in the wake of my past mistakesThat life that has passed is no longer viable. It is no more tangeable than the dreamscape plot of a Sunday afternoon nap. In opposition, I have recognized I can no longer feed upon daydreams of a future that has yet to be written.

What has happened is gone and what will be will be . the only truth left is now. Here in this moment, I can find freedom, Here in this moment, I can let go of the prejudice that keeps me frozen still in a world of constant change. Here and now life's imperfect beauty is pure. Here is where we realize that perfection lies in our ability to understand that it doesn't exist. Now is when we finally see that our flaws are our greatest source of hope, and to see and realize those two truths is the very basis of a spiritual life. In fact, I would call it enlightenment.

Jeheshua

GODS

anyone who struggles will adapt and grow. That is a natural law. The trick is the correct amount of the pressure in the right area to reap the required results. Growth is a good thing when one grows in the right direction.

All roads will eventually lead to the same destination. However soem travelers will reach that destination much sooner and with less scrapes and bruises . If one reaches a state of harmony with their true will then they will be in harmony with the surrounding universe. And if they abide in such harmony then they will transend any accepted concept of pain and suffering.

If any instance of suffereing is taken as a mere feedback and used for the sole purpose oflearning from that particular moment of life experience then every future moment of apparent pain and suffereing will be transformed into a direct cause of enlightenment.

The key is to let go of the urge to esacpe situations that we perceive as a trheat to our ego selves and to embrace all of life wholeheartedly. We must take hold of the wheel and steer our selvesto freedom. Your demons are just as much a part of you as your God is. If you attempt to deny the influx of the realization into your lifethanyou debase the most basic law of our existence. Without darkenss there can be no light. Without evil, how would we know good and without pain, we could never fully grown into the Gods that we were meant to become.

Jeheshua

What's your "perfect world"?

LPW

Do Nothing

In obscuring truth, word after word we as conscious beings, remain bound to sufferring by our concepts. Truth is not contained within the narrow constructs of language itself. Through a voice or pen and paper only a representation of what is actual can be manifested. Preoccupied by the reflectiion of reality, we allow life's beauty to escape unobserved. We become distracted by the pointing finger and fail to see the radiance to which it points. In seeing we are made blind and in knowing our ignorance is secured.

Enlightenment is an ongoing process, not a final goal. There is no attainment to be sought, no levels of completiion and no progress to be graded. There is no end to the journey. There is not even a path to be followed. There is only the realization of essential nature to be uncovered. What is called enlightenment is already present. It is our true nature. It is not "out there somewhere" . It is right here, right now and when realized, it is as a candle being lit, washing away the darkness. Enlightenment is effortless and displayed in this very moment. All that need be done is to do nothing.

What's your "perfect world"?
LPW

We are judged, by others, in accordance with our acctions in this world. I have taken the lives of two women by drinking and driving. I know how this makes me look but there are things about me that no one knows. I have saved more than one life in my time on this planet as well. I once carried a pregnant woman having a seizure through a rain storm to a waiting ambulance four blocks away. I don't think there was a reason for me doing this other than she needed my help. I did not know this woman or her husband. I once pulled a man from a burning vehicle that he had flipped over in a rainstorm. I didn't think about my own safety. All I knew was that he needed my help. I did not know this man. When I was 17 years old, I saw an old man fall and hit his head. Ihe was bleeding terribly. While everyone else stood there and did nothing, I pulled off my shirt and stopped the bleeding. When the ambulence arrived, I disappeared. i did not know this man. All I knew was that he needed my help. In all three instances, I acted out of compassion. I did not stick around to receive thanks or a pat on the back. Knowing that I had done what I could was enough for me. These are some of the things that very few people know about me. yes, I have made mistakes in my life, one huge one in particular. I deserve to be judged by the whole of my existence in this place and that judgement should not come from your or anyone else. you are not worthy because we have all made mistakes. Trust me on this, I have judge myself more harshly than you or anyone else. In making this judgement, I have considered all the facts and I have decided I am forgiven. This one moment of ignorance does not define who I am. My ife is worth so much more than that and there is more more to live.

Memories of days past, days when we were either too ignorant or too blind to see the blessing that would soon slip through our fingers. Days when we follishly squandered any hope for real and lasting happiness that we may have posessed. Days when we cared more for our own selfish concerns than that of the woman we loved. A Day of adolesence when I broke the heart of the only one who ever truly cared for me. O, how I long for the return of such days. Oh how I long to have a change to right those wrongs that I committed so many years ago., but that sadly and so completely is where such intentions will have to end.

Falling short of redemption seems to be what I am destined to amount to. yet my unfinished intent is not because of a lack of desire. It is beacause I am not worthy of your forgiveness and understanding. It is because my sense of remorse is only another mask- a mask that covers selfish concerns concealed deep withing. And no matter how well these concerns are disguised, even from my own eyes, they are still selfish. So as it is, such a dream of restoring your respect and love is far beyond reach. But one is still entitled to their dreams no matter how unreachable they may be. Until such a day of complete grace, I will remain trapped beneath the torpid waves of my aching heart, not breathing but asleep. not dead, but dreaming-- dreaming of days past, dreaming of you.

.

Without Fear

Holding steadfast, I am a captive frozen in reliance on the suffering of my life. After all without my sadness, anger and fear who would I be? What would be left to signify my difference to the rest of the sheep. I am not a passenger on this boat. Those days are gone.

I am the ferryman crossing the river Styx only to land upon the shore of perpetual torment and dispair. My futur is filled with the revival of that moment in consecutive order indefinitely. I have come too far to turn back now. I thirst but I cannot drink. I hunger but I dare not eat. The shadows have sustained me forever and a day and I long no more for the return of the light.

My place is here, huddled in teh cold damp darkness of purgatory, relieving those who can no longer bear the cross of fear and hatred alone. I do what I can to help because I have realized that I am no different than any one of them. We are all connected. Including those of you who have labeled us beyond redemption, judged us by the illusions of your own adverse conceptions and cast us into the fires of hell

Don't worry. Your heeaven will be there to accept you despite the afflictions of morality that you keep hidden behind your Bible in your closet and under your bed. I have no contempt for your existence and I was not sent to judge you. Such a thing is beyond any man's qualifications.

Your judgement will come in the end from the shocking realization of your own righteous lack of compassion and forgiveness for your fellow man. It will come from your failure to put others before yourself. It will spring forth from your own selfish heart, crushing your beneath it's weight. I will weep for you i nthat hour, but I will not share your fate. For he who once fell has risen and each time I stumble, crashing back to the earth from whence I came, I will rise again stronger than before.

I push on with renewed dedication to my struggle for redmeption and for all that I have taken. I can only hope for a little more time to do some good in this world. I make the promise to greet the remaining seasons of this life without fear. After what I have endured I know that this is a promise I am fully capable of keeping. Can you say the same?

Jeheshua.